


We All Fall Down

by ZombieJesus



Series: Subspace [1]
Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, Walking Dead, Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Jealousy, M/M, Masturbation, Murder, Prequel, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-12-15
Packaged: 2018-02-11 16:14:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2074659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieJesus/pseuds/ZombieJesus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In this prequel to "A Void to Fill," the group is at Hershel's farm trying to survive and determine their next move. Rick has unresolved feelings for Shane despite the underlying tension over Lori. Daryl gravitates towards being less of an outsider in the face of jealousy over Shane and Rick's friendship. And then, during a shootout with strangers at a bar in town, they are forced to bring one back to the camp. As Rick and Shane decide what to do with him, secrets are pushed into the light and everything unravels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Still Alive

**Author's Note:**

> The story begins in Season 2, on Hershel's farm a week after Carl was shot. Will be a slow burn the first couple chapters then....hold onto your pants.
> 
> This is a prequel to "A Void to Fill" (http://archiveofourown.org/works/1647635) and part of my larger "Subspace" series. I recommend that you read "Void" to understand everything about this story, either before or after this one.
> 
> Please comment and let me know how I'm doing! :D

As dawn broke over the rural Georgia farm, Hershel stood on the wide porch of his simple white frame house and quietly took in the end of the world. He and his family had been relatively safe here, sequestered away from the worst of the devastation closer to Atlanta. But in truth, he still didn't know what to think about what was happening, and the black book in his hands didn't hold any answers for him this time. He clutched it harder as doubts and fears clouded his mind. Had the end times foretold in Revelations come? The dead now walked the Earth and it seemed the weak and righteous fell away quickly in their wake. Surely, this wasn't how it was supposed to be.

He sighed heavily and sunk down into his weathered wooden rocking chair. How many nights had he sat here with Maggie, Beth, his wife, friends and neighbors….sat here drinking in the quiet Southern nights and the lazy darting of illuminated fireflies? He'd been truly content on those nights, happy to have the simple life of a country veterinarian. An uncomplicated life.

Well, life was sure complicated now, but at least it was life. They'd lost friends and neighbors to this….sickness, putting them in the barn when they were found stuck in the muddy stream bank or wandering near the fences. He hoped that was the right decision, that when the world came to its senses, they could be cured and returned back to the people Hershel had loved. He couldn't accept-- _refused_ to accept--that they were lost to him forever. No matter what these new travelers seemed to think. 

He turned to stare out at the makeshift camp these new people had set up on his sprawling lawn. They'd been here a week, but he couldn't say he trusted them any more than when they first came. Their leader, Rick, seemed to be a good man with a even head on his shoulders. A man who loved his son and would have done anything to save him when he was accidentally shot and brought to Hershel. But Hershel hadn't kept his family safe this long by trusting outsiders, and would be glad to see them go. As soon as possible.

\----

Rick awoke in his tent as dawn broke, and as his eyes focused in the dim light, he saw Lori's slender form still asleep next to him. Gratitude washed over him and he smiled a bit at her momentary peace. She'd been a wreck ever since Carl had been hurt. She'd  barely left his side. But now that he was well on the mend, she'd finally let herself return to sleeping in the tent with Rick instead of on the floor in Carl's room in the house.

His feelings were complicated when it came to Lori. Their marriage hadn't been an easy one even before all this happened. But, to Rick, even if their marriage was dead, she would always be the mother of his child. And for that, he'd stand by her and protect her, come what may. He owed it to her, to Carl.

Plus, it wasn't her fault that their marriage hadn't worked. It had been doomed from the first, and Rick had known it the whole time. He just hadn't admitted it, least of all to himself. He'd longed for a normal suburban life, marriage and kids, a stable job, the whole shebang. But there was always something lurking inside him, waiting to turn his happiness to misery and his dreams to ash. Lori had seen it too, pretty early on. Seen that he wanted control more than most people, wanted sex in a way that….made her uncomfortable at first and then just plain scared. Rick's attempts to keep himself in check and do things her way had only backfired wholly.

He sat up silently and pushed those thoughts from his mind. Those troubles seemed trivial now, with what they were faced with in this new reality.

He pulled his clothes on and crept out of the tent. As he stretched, he noticed Hershel on the porch and gave a half-hearted wave, but the other man just turned and went back in the house. Rick shrugged and picked up a bucket and headed towards the water pump across the lawn. He set the bucket in front of the spout and started to pump, but stopped abruptly when he heard footsteps behind him. Turning, he saw Shane's shirtless muscular form heading towards him, an ever-present grin smacked across his face. Rick smiled back genuinely.

Shane…..he both admired and respected the man more than he could put into words. Shane, who had kept his family safe after Atlanta fell and had gotten them out of the city. Shane, who had gone to get medicine and medical supplies for Carl when he was hurt, and had come back despite nearly dying at the hands of walkers. Shane….his truest and oldest friend and his rock in the stormy sea that this rotten world had become. He owed Shane an enormous debt, one that could never be repaid. He was as a brother, but more than that. The one person who truly understood Rick, got him when no words were needed, had listened to his bitchin' after another fight with Lori. Rick had lost nearly everything, but he counted himself lucky that he still had his best friend in all this.

Shane clapped him on the back lightly as he approached and then started pumping the water himself, crouching down and sticking his head right under the spout as it flowed.

"Damn that's cold!" Shane shivered and shook the water from his hair, reminding Rick of a shaggy wet dog.

Rick laughed. "Well you could always heat it up like the rest of us. Things are dire Shane, but mankind can still make fire."

"Naw, this'll wake ya up in the morning." He stood up and pumped a few more times and filled Rick's bucket to the brim. "Here ya go, ya sissy. Go an' heat up your bath." He handed the bucket to Rick with a smirk. "And make me some breakfast while your at it. I'm starvin'!"

Rick took the bucket and Shane's jokes with a smile. The world had changed, but Shane was still the Shane he knew and loved. "Is all you ever think about food?"

"Not the only thing…." Shane lewdly grabbed his crotch.

Rick rolled his eyes and sighed. "Really?" He started back towards the tent, calling over his shoulder to Shane. "You're hopeless."

Back at the camp, he saw everyone was starting to wake up and Daryl was crouched near the fire pit they'd made, stoking a fire. He looked up as Rick approached and nodded slightly. "'Mornin'."

Rick hauled the bucket to the fire and set it down with a slosh. He wiped his brow and smiled down at Daryl. "'Mornin' to you." He reached over and grabbed the large stockpot they used to heat water with and filled it from the bucket, then set it on the fire. He sat down next to Daryl, the fire warming the cool morning air.

Daryl was studying him, he could feel it. "Somethin' on your mind?" Rick felt he'd got a good read on everyone else in the group, but Daryl was still a complete mystery to him.

Daryl gave him a sidelong glance and picked up his crossbow, never far from his side. "Just don't know what your so happy 'bout. Grinnin' when the fuckin' world's come apart." He fiddled a bit with his bow's trigger absentmindedly.

Rick poked at the fire a little with a twig. "We're still alive Daryl. And better off than a lot of folks. I guess that's worth smiling about."

Daryl snorted. "If you say so." He was quiet a moment, watching the fire. "Better off 'n my brother, that's for sure."

Rick's smile fell as he turned to Daryl. "Daryl, I'm sorry about that. What happened. It….well, I didn't want it to go down like that." Daryl was quiet so Rick went on. "We went back for him. We tried, Daryl." Rick did feel bad about what happened with Merle, felt responsible. He knew he'd be devastated too if he'd lost his last link to family, like Daryl had. Hell, he probably blamed Rick, hated him for it.

Daryl sullenly nodded slightly. "He had it comin'." He looked over at Rick, smiled wiped off his face and a look of guilt in its place. "Hey, I wasn't sayin' it was your fault Rick. Merle always was a sonofabitch. But he was still my brother an' family's family."

Rick nodded. "I know." A smile creeped back in. "But we can be your family too now Daryl. We're all in this thing together."

Daryl stood up and looked down at Rick, hoisting his crossbow over his shoulder. "Don't need no family. Don't want none." With that, he turned and walked off into the woods.

"Not a friendly fella, is he?" Rick turned around to the sound of Shane's voice. He'd been standing there quietly behind Rick and had heard at least some of the conversation. Shane reached out his hand to Rick. Rick took it and pulled himself to his feet. 

Rick dusted himself off. "Give 'em time. He'll come around. Just lost his brother, y'know."

Shane spat on the ground. "Fuck. I'm glad that bastard's gone. Dead, or whatever. He was nothin' but a liability to the group."

Rick stared after Daryl. "Maybe so. But Daryl's not his brother."

\----

Rick's words had gotten to Daryl more than he wanted to admit. As he stalked off into the woods, in no particular direction and with no particular destination, Rick's word's echoed in his mind. _We can be your family now._

He'd never cared much for any of his family. Hell, if truth be told, he'd hated them all. Except Merle. They'd been through too much together, and they'd had a kind of understanding and trust, even if it wasn't love. So many nights hiding from their old man, sleeping out under the stars and telling ghost stories to try to scare the other. When the real horror was just back at home, waiting for them. 

Daryl stopped in front of an old oak tree. He was truly alone now in the world. He'd always fended for himself but now…these people had made him feel more lonely than he ever had been. They all had a reason to live, a reason to _want_ to live. Daryl didn't. He'd relied on Merle for too much, he now realized. Where to go, what to do, what to think. Without him, Daryl was lost. These people were good. They were real. Daryl was only broken, and haunted by the ghosts of his past. They could never really accept him.

He punched the oak tree hard, releasing a growl of pent-up anger and frustration. "Damn it, Merle! Why'd you have to be such a dumb fuck?!" He punched the tree again as hot tears pricked his eyes, then turned and slumped down it to the ground. He wished Merle was here so he could beat the living shit outta him.

He let his head fall into his hands as a few tears ran down his face. No…what he really wanted to say to Merle was…why did you leave me? Again….?

Maybe he should just go off on his own. These people would be better off without a fucked-up redneck with them. He lifted his head and wiped his eyes.

_We could be your family now._

Did Rick mean it? Could they really?

\---------

It was nearly dark before Daryl emerged from the woods by the camp, a few rabbits in hand. They'd all been sitting around the fire while Lori prepared some kind of stew from vegetables Hershel had given them. 

Shane stopped mid-sentence from discussing plans with Rick. "Well--look what the cat dragged in." Daryl hated that stupid smirk that Shane always seemed to have and glared at him.

Daryl nodded at Rick and sat down by the fire and started to clean the plump rabbits. Rick jumped up and came over to get a better look.

"Good job, Daryl!" He turned to Lori. "That stew'll taste a lot better with some meat in it." Lori smiled and nodded. When Rick's back was turned she gave Shane a meaningful look that Daryl saw, but Rick didn't. He pretended to be focused on cleaning the rabbits but saw Shane mouth the word _tonight_ to her.

Dale grabbed a knife and motioned to the rabbits. "I can help you with that Daryl, if you don't mind." Daryl nodded and tossed a rabbit his way and Dale got to work, smacking his lips in anticipation. "Looks tasty."

Carl wrinkled up his nose at the sight of the bloody flesh. "Ewww. Gross."

Daryl looked up and smiled wryly at Carl. "Where'd ya think meat came from then?" Everyone chuckled, including Carl, who blushed a little.

"Guess I don't like blood so much anymore." Carl touched his side where he'd been shot.

Daryl nodded but kept on working. "How's that feelin' now?" He found himself surprised that he actually did care.

"Still hurts, but…less each day."

Rick put his hand on Carl's shoulder. "Just don't go tearing open those stitches 'till they are good and healed, got it? No running around. You heard Hershel."

Carl groaned. "I know Dad…but…I gotta look for Sophia!" Carol stiffened a bit and looked down. The group got quiet.

Carol sniffled a little then got up and went in her tent. Carl watched her go and his face fell. He turned to Rick and said hurriedly, "Dad, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to--"

"Its ok Carl. She knows you just want to help." Rick sat down again, between Carl and Daryl and let out a deep sigh. "We all want to find Sophia."

Andrea said, "Glen and I went looking for any sign of her again today."

Rick looked up. "Anything?"

Andrea just sadly shook her head. "We don't even know where to start looking."

Shane's brow furrowed. "We're just grasping at straws here, Rick. I mean…a little girl on her own. We've got to just admit that…..well….she's probably…." His voice was lowered, hoping Carol couldn't hear.

Rick's jaw hardened. "I'm not giving up yet. We just need more time."

The group was quiet again. Then Daryl softly said, "I'll go. I'll look for her." They all looked at him, he stared at the rabbits. "I can track stuff. I'll try and see if I can get a read on where she went."

Rick's eyes widened a bit and he smiled at Daryl. "Daryl…thank you. Yes, if you could use your hunting skills to help, we would appreciate it…Carol would…..so much."

Daryl finished the last rabbit and handed the skinned meat to Lori for the pot. She smiled and took it, cutting it into pieces and dropping it into the stew. He held her gaze, but got the distinct feeling she wasn't smiling about the rabbits. Or for the same reason Rick was earlier.

\----

Later that night, Daryl's hunter's ears woke him in his tent. He'd heard a noise outside, he was sure of it. He grabbed his crossbow and was out of the tent in seconds. If a zombie had breached the fence then…..no, it was a voice he heard, still hears. A very soft whispering coming from the woods. He crept silently towards the voice, closer and closer until...

It was Lori and Shane, not 50 feet into the woods outside their tents. They were standing in a small clearing, whispering urgently to each other. Daryl crept behind them, but stayed in the thicket out of sight. 

"Lori, you gotta choose."

"Shane….I can't do that. Don't make me, please."

More forcefully. "You got to Lori. Him or me. I can't go on this way. Seeing you with him….sleeping in his tent…."

"I'm his wife, Shane. And Carl…."

"Carl will understand! And Rick's weak! He's no leader for this group, no matter what everyone else seems to think. It should be me." He pulled her close. "Us."

Lori sighed and didn't stop Shane as he leaned in to kiss her passionately. "Shane….you….I want…you…"

Shane grinned in triumph. "See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" He kissed her again.

"It will kill Rick…Shane, I can't do it."

"Shhhh. Don't think about that now. I'll take care of Rick. Of everything." He pulled off her top and began to get undressed himself.

Daryl froze, barely even breathing. He had known that Shane and Lori had been together outside Atlanta, but that had been before Rick had shown up. After that, the group had just pretended that they hadn't known anything about them, had kept their mouths shut to spare Rick the heartache. When Rick came, they'd just assumed that Shane had backed off. But now….it was still going on. And Rick was still none the wiser.

Daryl slowly, carefully crept back to his tent and lay there with his indecision. Rick deserved to know, but he sure as hell didn't want to be the one to tell him. 

But something about Shane's tone, the way he'd said he would "take care of Rick," didn't sit well with Daryl.

It didn't sit well at all.


	2. Fires Burn Hot

Rick pretended to be asleep as heard soft footsteps outside his tent. Although his eyes were shut, he knew Lori's smell as she enter the tent, trying and mostly failing to be quiet as she lay back down beside him. In a moment, she was asleep and breathing deeply and steadily. The sleep of someone untroubled, unlike Rick. He found precious little sleep these days.

He lay there quietly, emotions jumbled. He was sure she was sneaking off to meet someone, she'd done it a few times now. At first he'd kidded himself, that he was imagining things. But it had happened too many times. He only hoped it wasn't....no....it couldn't be...not him. Shane would never….

He wouldn't, would he?

But there weren't too many other options. He couldn't see Lori cozying up to sullen Daryl or stodgy Dale. T-Dog or Hershel didn't seem any likelier. 

Rick turned over, turning his back to Lori and staring at the tent wall. Red anger was seething within him and he clenched his fist around their sleeping bag. He thought of his desperation to get back to her and Carl when he'd woken up alone in that hospital bed. The risks he'd taken...that Glenn and the rest had taken in rescuing him from that tank in Atlanta. Just to come back to a wife who didn't want him. Who wanted....

A surprising thought emerged in Rick's mind. The feelings of jealousy and anger he had, they weren't directed at Shane but...at Lori. If she was seeing someone behind his back, he could deal with that...they could go their seperate ways, or not. Just not be together anymore. But she could **not** have Shane. Rick relied on him, needed him.

But there was more to it than that. It was time to be honest with himself. He wanted Shane. Had always wanted Shane.

How many times had they spilled their guts in their cop car on late night patrols? Swapped war stories of the police force over a cold brew after work? Watching football games together on the weekends and teaching Carl how to throw Shane's mean curveball? The layers of their friendship spanned years. The bond of their trust, Rick had never questioned. 

Rick had never had the balls to tell Shane how he'd felt. Was worried it would ruin their friendship, that bond. Maybe it would have, maybe not. But Rick had been sure, so sure, that they'd had something between them that was more than friendship, closer than that. It was all mixed signals from Shane, though. So perhaps Rick wasn't so sure anymore.

Rick released his grip on the sleeping bag with a long exhale and remembered.

\-----

It was their rookie year on the force. They'd been eating lunch in the car as the police scanner radio in their patrol car crackled to life unexpectedly, urgently. "Buuzztthehh…..ALL UNITS…ALL UNITS….RESPOND IMMEDIATELY…cracklecrackthhht..."

Shane and Rick exchanged glances and set their sandwiches aside hurriedly. Rick grabbed the mic and pressed the button to talk. "Unit 6 here, roger. What's happening?"

"Crackkkk……UNIT SIX HEAD TO 503 WATERS STREET IN ALL HASTE….buzzzthzzz…..FIRE IN PROGRESS…..REPEAT, FIRE IN PROGRESS….crbuzzzth….."

Shane's eyes widened as he buckled up his seatbelt and turned the car's ignition. Rick caught his eye and spoke into the mic again. "Roger that. On our way." He hung up the mic and flipped the switch to their siren as Shane gunned the car's gas. Rick buckled up and looked over at Shane. "We got our fire gear?"

"In the backseat. Hopefully the fire guys will beat us to it like before." Shane ran his hand through his hair nervously, a few beads of sweat forming on his brow. Rick knew that Shane was terrified of fire, but would do whatever had to be done, as he always had. There had been more than a few fires in town lately, unusual for the cool spring they'd been having. Rick suspected arson but there had never been any proof of it so far. And at least all the fires had been in abandoned buildings. Until now. Rick knew 503 Waters Street well, it was a law office not far from City Hall.

Rick reached into the back and pulled out their fireproof suits and oxygen masks. "Just stay focused. I got your back."

"What the fuck is with these fires? If I get my hands on the asshole who's doing this…." Shane's jaw was clenched, eyes narrowed, as he took a hard turn onto Waters Street, traffic parting in front of them.

"I'm with ya there." 

In less that 3 minutes they had come to a screeching halt in front of 503 and saw a small crowd was milling outside it, panicked. Shane and Rick were the first ones there and the fire was already engulfing half the building. They leapt out of the car and ran over to the crowd, pulling on their fire gear and masks as they went.

Rick scanned the fearful faces. "What's going on? Is anyone inside?" His tone was urgent.

A middle-aged woman in a suit latched onto Rick's arm. "Yes! There someone still up on the second floor!"

Rick turned to Shane. "There's nothing for it, we got to go in. Nobody here yet but us." The crowd screamed as several windows shattered glass outward from the heat.

Shane looked out at the road, hoping the fire truck would materialize instantly. "Shit!" He hoisted the fire axe, ready for battle.

Rick ran up to the main door and called back to Shane, "C'mon!!! Second floor!" Shane secured his oxygen mask and ran up to meet Rick and they both headed into the smoke-filled interior. 

The stairs were just in front of them and they took them two at a time to get to the second floor, where several closed doors lie in front of them. Rick motioned Shane to check the one on the farthest right while he tested the doorknob on the left door. It was still relatively cool to the touch and he flung open the door. Black smoke billowed from inside, but as it cleared, he saw a man coughing harshly under his desk, cowering from the opposite wall in flames.

Rick screamed through his mask at the man, "Crawl to me, this way to the door!" The man was barely conscious but followed the sound of Rick's voice, slowly crawling towards him. Rick grabbed his shirt as he came near and supported him under his arms, dragging him back down the stairs and to the fresh air outside. The man collapsed on the grass, wheezing and singed but otherwise unhurt.

Rick turned back to the building, the flames growing higher. He looked around. Shane wasn't out here. Without thinking, Rick ran back inside and up the stairs again, but the smoke was worse now, the heat more searing. He was having a harder time breathing even with his mask and could barely see.

"Shane!" Rick screamed into the blackness. "Shane!! Answer me!" He threw open the middle door and was nearly knocked down by the flames inside. He ran into the right doorway, falling to his knees where the smoke was less dense. Horrified, he saw Shane's prostrate form in the middle of the room and the fire inching closer by the second. He crawled on his elbows over to Shane and grabbed his unconscious friend's body. Hacking from the smoke, Rick hoisted Shane over his shoulder and stumbled towards the door. Outside it, he fell to his knees, barely conscious himself, but mustered enough strength to drag Shane down the stairs and outside into the light.

Rick tore off his mask and Shane's and gasped in the fresh, clear air. He slapped Shane's face lightly, screaming into his face. "Shane! Wake up!"

Shane's wasn't breathing. _Shit! This isn't happening!_

Rick pressed his mouth to Shane's and performed CPR, saying a silent prayer to whatever god was out there to save his friend. Again and again, he breathed air, life, into Shane's lungs until Shane's eyelashes fluttered and he turned over, hacking and sputtering in the grass. Rick rocked back on his heels as relief washed over him. He grabbed Shane's hand. "Shane! Are you ok?" 

Shane hacked a few more times but nodded and squeezed Rick's hand hard before just lying still and breathing deeply. His eyes opened and he smiled up at Rick. "Think I got the black lung, man." He coughed again. "Damn, they don't pay us enough for this." 

Rick let out a crazed laugh, half a sob and hugged Shane tightly. "Leave it to you to joke at a time like this. I…damn, I though I lost you."

Shane hugged him back weakly and chuckled, but it turned into a cough. "Naw, you just wanted an excuse to kiss me didn't you? I know how irresistible I am Grimes."

Rick had laughed at that, but it had struck a chord. Holding Shane like this, it felt….right, somehow. He released Shane and looked at him with a smirk. Soot blackened his dark features further and his eyes were bloodshot from the smoke. "Yeah, you look pretty irresistible right now, let me tell you." 

At that point, the fire department had shown up and was hosing down the building. Shane was giving them shit of course for showing up late and making them do "all the hard work." The paramedics had tried to convince Shane to come into the hospital for observation but he just dismissed them with a wave of his hand, saying he was fine. The police chief gave them the rest of the day off anyway, seeing as they were now heroes for rescuing the man on the second floor. 

Rick remembered the drive from Waters Street to Shane's house like it was yesterday. He couldn't push away the memory of his mouth on Shane's, of holding Shane's body next to his. Of that horrific moment when he thought Shane might die, and the ultimate relief when he didn't.

Rick pulled up to Shane's driveway and put the car in park. "Get some rest now. Lots of water and all that, like the paramedics said. Doubt the Chief is gonna give us another day off, even if we were dying."

Shane chuckled. "That's for sure." He placed his hand on Rick's shoulder and looked into Rick's eyes, all joking gone. "Rick, thank you….for back there. You….you saved my life, man." 

"You woulda done the same for me."

Shane nodded. "I would have." He squeezed Rick's shoulder and pulled him close for an embrace. "I always will."  Then Shane had done something that Rick would never, ever forget. It was seared into his mind like a brand upon it. 

Shane had pulled back slightly and kissed Rick, first just a pressing of lips. But then he opened his mouth and Rick remembered the waves of shock as Shane's tongue was against his, and he was kissing Shane back, his hands in Shane's hair. When Shane finally pulled back completely, Shane was smiling but without the usual mischief in his eyes. The look of shock must have been plain on Rick's face.

Shane opened the door and hopped out of the car, shutting the door and leaning into the open window. "I thought you deserved a proper kiss after all that." He winked at Rick. "Next time you want one, don't let me nearly die first." And he'd walked back into his house as if nothing had happened at all, leaving Rick with a hard-on and the fires of confusion within him.

It couldn't be Shane that Lori was seeing. 

It just couldn't.

\--------

Daryl had hoped a good night's sleep would help him figure out what to do about what he'd seen the night before, but he'd been disappointed on both accounts. The sleep had been shitty and he still didn't know what the hell to do. That morning, Shane and Rick were talking and joking like they always did. This time, Shane had dumped a bucket of cold water on Rick's head, leading to them play-fighting in the yard, ending up on their backs in the grass howling with laughter.

Huh. If Rick only knew the truth, would he be laughing?

But he still felt a powerful pang of jealousy, a familiar feeling when he saw the two of them together. Daryl had never had that. Would never have that. That kind of friendship, that kind of trust. There had only been one person Daryl had ever felt anything remotely similar for and that…..had been a twisted thing. A relationship, if you could call it that, built on humiliation rather than trust, on lust rather than concern and care. _Ash_. Even the name rang hollow within him.

As he watched Rick help Shane up from the ground, his heart went out to Rick. Now here was a good person. Shane didn't deserve him. Daryl grit his teeth, thinking of the deception. He'd have to tell Rick about Shane, even if it meant he was thrown out of the group. Would Rick even believe him?

Daryl cut his eyes to Lori who was also watching Rick and Shane on the lawn, and glared at her. She sensed his gaze and looked away. _Yeah, bitch, I know about you. Know what you are._ She wouldn't meet his eyes again.

Perhaps Daryl could have what Shane and Rick had. Maybe he could have exactly what they have. When he told Rick about Shane and Lori, wouldn't Rick need a new friend by his side? A new second-in-command? Daryl determined then and there that he would be that person. He would step into Rick's golden shadow when Shane was gone, he would prove himself trustworthy, and worthy of Rick, if he could. 

And he would start by finding Sophia. 

Daryl stood up and grabbed his crossbow. He turned to T-Dog and called, "Headin' out to look for Sophia and maybe catch us some dinner."

T-Dog nodded, "Be careful out there."

Daryl looked back at Rick and remembered Shane's words from the night before. It was Rick that needed to be careful.

\--------

Rick stalked back to the camp after another unproductive talk with Hershel. Again he'd asked if the group could stay here, coexist with Hershel and his family on the farm. Again Hershel had shot him down. He understood the old man's reasons, hell, he'd likely do the same thing. But this farm represented safety to their group, and he couldn't back down. No, he'd just have to speak with Hershel again later, try to make him see reason. He did feel that each time they spoke, Hershel softened a little in his protests. Rick thought that was a good sign.

Rick plopped down on a stump in the camp and took a long drink of water from the ladle in the bucket. T-Dog pointed to it. "Careful with that. Well's been contaminated with a dead walker. Nasty thing exploded in the well when Glen and I tried to haul it out. We're gonna have to tote water from the stream now."

Rick sighed heavily and put the ladle back. "Great. Bet Hershel's gonna be real happy 'bout that now."

T-Dog shrugged. "Couldn't be helped. It was down there in the well. Had to try something."

Rick nodded wearily and looked down at the near-empty bucket. "I'll go get some more." He stood up and grabbed the bucket.

"You know Rick….Hershel and them, they think the walkers are still…people."

"I know. I tried to talk sense to Hershel but he's stubborn as hell."

"Keep trying. Hershel respects you." T-Dog didn't say it but Rick knew- Hershel didn't trust Shane one bit.

"I will. Thanks." Rick headed into the woods towards the stream, listening for the sound of tinkling water over smooth rocks. He knelt down by the stream and let the water rush into the bucket.

"Hey, Rick." Shane called to him. "You know we aren't supposed to come out in the woods alone." He crossed his arms in mock-annoyance. "Your rules I believe."

Rick picked up the full bucket and headed towards Shane. "Yeah yeah, I know. Was just grabbing some water since the well's tainted now." They both headed back to the camp where Rick poured the water into a large plastic container and sealed it for later. "Guess I better get some more."

Shane took the bucket. "Take a load off. I'll get it. Been at it with Hershel again?" Rick nodded. "Get some fuckin' rest man. You look wrecked." Rick nodded wearily and ducked inside his tent to try and get a few Z's. Shane headed back out to the stream but was surprised to see that someone was already there. 

\-----

Daryl was also feeling wrecked by the time he made it back to the stream near the camp, dirtier, more tired, and with nothing to show for his day of tracking at all. No sign of Sophia anywhere, not a footprint or a hint of her trail. He'd started all the way back at the highway, checking and rechecking the cars there. Had skulked around in the woods, ravines, streams. Came across over a dozen walkers. Thankfully none of them had been children at least.

But as he sunk to his knees near the stream, he couldn't help but feel like a failure. He was no closer to finding Sophia than they'd been yesterday, or the day before that. And he was no closer to trying to prove to Rick that he could be trusted. He splashed some of the cool water on his face but froze when he heard a twig snap behind him. Daryl whirled around, crossbow raised and at the ready. 

Shane stood in the clearing before him, unflinching in Daryl's aim. Daryl slowly lowered his bow. "Shouldn't sneak up on people like that. Liable to get shot that way."

Shane returned his glare. "And who's gonna shoot me? You?"

"Just sayin,' everyone's on edge here."

Shane brushed past him and stuck the bucket in the stream, and stared down at the water. "Yeah….accidents do happen, don't they." Like he was thinking of a particular accident he had in mind. He turned back to the hunter. "What's your angle Daryl? With Rick."

"Huh?"

"You heard me. I seen the way you watch him. Like a little lost puppy lookin' for its master." That stupid smirk was there again, mocking him.

"Dunno what you're talkin' bout."

Shane stood up and leaned back against a tree, looking so carefree and confident. Daryl fidgeted under his scrutiny and tried to walk away, back to the camp. But Shane grabbed his shirt and threw him up against the tree, pinning him. He got right in Daryl's face, practically snarling. "Stay away from Rick, y'hear me? He don't need you. Don't want you." 

"Getcher damn hands off me!" 

Shane just pushed into him harder. "Some fuckin' hick that thinks he can snag a few rabbits and he's one of us?" Daryl tried to struggle free but Shane was bigger than he was, stronger. "You ain't one of us."

Daryl spat back at him, "You don't fuckin' deserve to be his friend!"

A wicked grin spread across Shane's face. "Oh? I suppose you think I ain't fit to wipe his boots. And you are huh?" Shane whispered harshly in Daryl's ear. "Listen and listen good redneck. Rick and I are the same. And I'll just say this once more. Stay the fuck away from him." With that, Shane stepped back away from Daryl, releasing his shirt.

Daryl grabbed his crossbow that had fallen to the ground and held it up again at Shane, backing away towards the camp. "Rick's nothing like you!"

Shane grinned. "Shows what you know."  


	3. The Heart Remembers

Daryl burst into the camp from the edge of the woods, nearly toppling into Glenn who nervously cluched a paper bag.

"Whoa! Easy Daryl! Everything ok?" Glenn reached up to touch Daryl's shoulder but the hunter drew back as if from poison.

Daryl looked around wildly, scanning the people there. "Where's Rick?"

A couple shrugs, then Lori slowly spoke up, "Think he's sleeping. What's up?" Glenn shifted on his feet with the bag.

Shane came ambling out of the woods then, hoisting the bucket and striding past Daryl, a look of warning plain there.

Daryl seemed to shrink a little under Shane's stare and mumbled, "Nothin'. Forget it." He shot Shane a look of hatred but sat down on a stump outside his tent. He didn't feel safe here anymore, not so close to Shane. He'd have to move his tent further away, tonight, when darkness and silence would shield him from eyes and questions.

Chitchat resumed, but Daryl caught Glenn shoving the paper bag into Lori's hands when he thought no one was looking.

Shane plopped down and causally began to clean his gun, keeping his eyes on Daryl across the fire pit. Daryl knew that Shane would kill him for sure if he tried to tell Rick about Lori and Shane, kill him quick and call it an accident or a walker, and Rick'd be none the wiser. He'd just have to keep his mouth shut for now and wait for a safer moment to warn Rick, and keep his eyes wide open till then.

\-----------

Daryl moved his tent after everyone was asleep, acting quickly and silently. The distance was more symbolic than real, but he felt a bit safer that he'd hear someone coming now and would have time to react. As he lay in his tent, with only the crickets outside for company, he thought about what happened in the woods with Shane.

Why was Shane so intent on Daryl keeping away from Rick? Was he afraid Daryl would find out about Lori? Or was Shane...jealous? Rick had barely noticed Daryl, other than treating him with the same kindness he showed everyone. Shane was on a whole 'nother level in Rick's mind.

And what had Shane meant when he said Rick was just like him?

Something was nagging Daryl though, about the way he'd felt when Shane pinned him against that tree by the stream. Yes he'd been furious as hell and a bit scared but...something else had happened. He'd gotten turned on. Not by Shane but by the moment of helplessness, of being at another's mercy. That...always, always got him. Clenched his guts tight, made him hard.

Hell, he was hard now just thinking about it.

It made Daryl think about other times he'd felt that way- tied up, tied down, gagged or held still, teased by someone really, truly powerful. Before he realized he was doing it, Daryl was slipping his hand into his jeans, pressing against his erection and feeling it throb back. He slid out of his clothes and fingered the scars criss-crossing his chest--mementos, each one. And reaching into his pants pocket, he pulled out his gleaming silver switchblade, familiar like an old friend.

But he wouldn't cut tonight, no, not tonight. Instead he bit down on it, closed, and held it there in his teeth so he wouldn't make a sound. 

Daryl shut his eyes and grabbed his cock and began to slowly stroke himself to the fantasy he always had, the one he'd burned into his very soul over a thousand nights like this one.

_He was tied, wrists and ankles, to a familiar bed in a familiar room. He'd only just awoken to the feeling of hands on his body, his chest, his cock. Roughly stroking him, then fingers shoved into his mouth, tasting slightly of the red Georgia clay. He tries to yell but realizes he's far from earshot, and strains against the bindings. A voice above him in the dark laughs softly. "Not going anywhere tonight Daryl." A hand caresses his face softly, then moves down to grasp his neck. Holding but not squeezing. A form on top of him, bare skin against his, and he realizes he wants it, wants this. Has wanted it for years. He strains upwards to meet the mouth trailing down his chest, the warm mouth moving down and hovering over his cock. He whispers "yesss" softly as the mouth envelops his cock and he's so hard he thinks he'll cum any second. But the mouth won't let him...slows down each time he gets close, a maddening cycle of build-up and denial 'till he's crazy for it. Fingers violating, probing inside him until he sees stars, every star in the sky and they all form one name, written over and over in the sky of his mind. And they straddle him, pushing themselves into him slowly, so slowly, that he's pushing back and moaning for more. They meet him in each thrust, going deeper, rougher, until they are colliding like waves on the shore and he is lost, so lost in need. Silver in the moonlight- the knife drags across his chest as he cums, and pain and pleasure merge into one pulsing flash of sensation, of fire, burning away everything he thought he was and leaving a new thing in its wake._

Daryl felt he edge of his orgasm as he stroked faster, one hand banging against his prostate. He breathed hard, choking back the moan he held just between his teeth, behind the knife. Finally his whole body clenched and as he arched into his hand, thick ropes of cum shot against his chest and stomach, until he was sticky and panting, hair slicked to his forehead. He released his cock and fell back hard into his sleeping bag, turning his head to spit out the knife. 

As he lay there trying to catch his breath, too spent to even move, it dawned on him that something had been different this time. The face above him in his fantasy had changed. And the name he'd said over and over in his mind wasn't the one he'd repeated like a mantra for years.

This time, it had been 'Rick.'

\------

Daryl stood across from a bound and gagged man, just a kid really, in a darkened shed behind the farmhouse. He stared back at Daryl with eyes wide with fear, trembling just slightly, silently begging for help.

Daryl looked down at him, then paced to the other side, rubbing his jaw and thinking how they'd gotten to this point. It had all started with just a few soft words.

_"There's walkers...in the barn..."_

It had been Glenn that had said it, staring off towards the barn over the basket of peaches he'd been carrying. But they'd all heard, and somehow, had all known it to be true. Shane had reacted immediately, nearly knocking Rick's head off when he'd tried to stop him charging in guns blazin'. But Rick, and cooler heads, had momentarily prevailed and convinced Shane to wait. Wait until they could talk it over with Hershel, who believed his friends, his wife, were still in there waiting to be saved.

But Shane had only been really waiting for the right moment, a moment when Rick was away and he could corner Dale for the guns they'd hidden away. Then...well, Daryl wasn't proud to admit that he too had grabbed the gun Shane tossed his way and shot round after round into the cold dead eyes that had lumbered and shuddered out from the busted barn door. Had kept on firing as Hershel and Maggie and Beth fell to their knees and screamed for them to stop. 

He'd only stopped when he'd seen Sophia. It had stopped everyone dead. Even Shane. 

The only person who'd had enough...what was it? Balls? Courage? Guilt? Well, whatever it was, Rick was the only one who took the slow steps forward towards the frail little girl with black eyes. She was still recognizable, still childlike despite her change, still thin and small. Barely dangerous, barely bloodied or soiled. As if she'd just had a hard night's sleep in the woods and might have been walking to be reunited with them, with her mother's waiting arms. And they all nearly fell under that spell and believed it.

The shot from Rick's Colt had broken that spell. She fell in a small heap of rumpled clothes and all that was left was Carol's screaming. Daryl had been torn between the two, the grieving mother, or the man who had just done the hardest thing, the thing none of them, not even Shane, could do. And as they buried their dead, they also mourned their own hopes for this life and this world. Holding out for life, like holding out for Sophia, it was a fool's path now. She had been dead a long time. Rick's bullet killed their dreams of the old world, also long dead. And they buried those too.

It hadn't been till much later that night they'd noticed Hershel was gone, but it hadn't taken long after that that they'd figured where he went. The bar in town, still filled with booze and trouble, was where Hershel sat drowning his fears and demons alike.

And when a few rough men cornered them and Rick had had to kill...the living...others had come and shot at them as they tried to escape, to save Hershel and themselves and get back to the safety of the farm. Finally the walkers had driven off their enemies, all except one.

Daryl remembered looking at him, the kid, abandoned by his buddies and sure to die. He'd fallen from the roof onto a spiked fence and the iron had gone through and through his leg. But Hershel had seen enough death that day. He and Rick yanked the kid off the fence and they high-tailed it outta there in the car, burning rubber and wondering what the hell they'd just done.

Shane hadn't taken it well when they'd come back that dawn. He'd given Rick a look of disbelief and stormed off. Later the whole camp could hear them arguing in the woods over what to do with him. Kill, join, live, free...there was no easy answer and the decision hovered above them all like a menacing cloud. But none more than Rick. 

Daryl gave one last backwards look at the kid and pushed open the shed door, exited, and then locked it again. 

\-------

The next day tension leapt like electricity through the group. Rick pored over a map of the local area in the early light, trying to find a good spot to drop the kid off where he'd be far from the farm but not doomed either.

Shane grabbed the map and crumpled it in a tight fist and threw it aside. "Rick, this ain't the way. You know what we gotta do and ain't none of us gonna be safe if you let that kid walk outta here alive."

Dale glowered. "You're talking murder Shane. We don't do that."

Shane wheeled around and pointed a finger at Dale. "Shut up old man. Nobody askin' you."

Rick picked up the map and smoothed it out again, then spoke calmly and evenly but there was an edge to his voice. "Shane, we talked about this. You're just gonna have to swallow it and move on."

Shane looked over at Lori who was watching them both intently. "You gotta keep your boy safe, your woman safe."

Rick's jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed. "I know how to keep my family safe Shane. My. Family."

Shane exchanged another look with Lori then shook his head and stalked off, muttering under his breath. 

Rick sighed and shut his eyes a moment, feeling powerless to stop the pieces from falling apart in front of him. Shane...worried him now. He was volatile, violent, unpredictable. The brother in arms he knew and loved...well, he hardly recognized that man anymore, and didn't know how to pull Shane back from the brink. Back to reason. Back to Rick.

He followed Shane across the lawn to the old windmill, away from the eyes of the camp, and called to him. Shane stopped but didn't turn. 

"Shane, wait."

Shane slowly turned but stayed silent, seething.

"Shane, I understand. Don't you think I'm struggling here? Don't you think I want to kill him too and be done with it?" 

"Why don't you then?" Shane was right in Rick's face, challenging him.

"Because this is a man's life we're talkin' about here! Don't that deserve to be thought over? Considered from every angle?"

Shane snorted. "Life's cheap now, Rick. Only lives that matter now are ours." He points back to the camp sharply. "And theirs."

Rick sighed and leaned into the windmill heavily. "I know."

Shane softened a bit and placed his hand on Rick's shoulder. "You ain't gotta do this alone, man."

Rick was quiet a moment. Softly, he asked, "Shane...were you...and Lori..." 

Shane's hand fell away. His silence answered Rick loud and clear.

Rick smiled sadly. "Thought so." He ran his hands through his hair and looked away.

"I thought you were dead, Rick. She did too. We...we were bound together in that, I dunno, in grieving you. It just happened." He searched for Rick's gaze.

Rick looked into Shane's eyes and wanted to believe. "But I'm not dead. I'm here."

Shane stepped closer to Rick. "Yeah." He stroked Rick's bottom lip with his thumb, so casual, so cool. "You're here."

Rick was frozen in place. That touch. Even now, Shane's slightest touch could completely unravel him.

Shane stepped even closer, their faces nearly touching, his hand snaking into Rick's hair. Rick could feel Shane's breath on his neck as he whispered. "Tonight, we'll figure out what to do with the kid together. Come to the shed tonight, Rick. Meet me there."

Shane stepped back a couple paces then walked away, leaving Rick rooted in place, bewildered, lips still burning from Shane's touch.


	4. What's Hidden Always Rises

Rick stepped into the dim tent he shared with Lori and saw she was already inside, folding clothes and humming absentmindedly. Humming a lullaby, as she often had when Carl was very small. She turned towards the noise as he entered, and fell silent. After a moment she went back to folding, her back turned, silent.

He took a step forward and put his hand on the pile of clothes so she had to look up. "Lori, we need to talk."

She wouldn't meet his eyes, instead just stared down at her hands then toyed with her wedding ring on a chain around her neck. Rick noticed now for the first time that she'd never put it back on. "About what?" She tried to sound disinterested.

Rick sat down on an unfolded lawn chair, across from her, and leaned forward on his elbows. "About....Shane..." Lori's eyes snapped to his but she stayed silent, so Rick went on. He stared down at his hands, calloused and worn. A moment passed. "Lori, I know."

Still she was silent, but the shirt she'd been holding slowly fell from her grasp and slid to the floor.

Rick sighed. "He...told me. And....Lori, I think I get it." He raised his eyes to hers hopefully. "You thought I was dead right?"

She nodded slowly, still stunned. Then the words tumbled out. "Rick, I....Carl and I were totally alone and the world was falling down around our ears. And...Shane, he was there. He saved us....got us out of there..." She stood up and paced across the tent, eyes wide, voice choked. She turned. "You can't imagine....what it was like Rick. The fires. People dying, killing...."

Rick nodded solemnly, angry but trying to understand. "Shane was there and I wasn't." He clenched his jaw, thinking of that. His family alone at the end of the world.

Lori's hand went to her mouth, as if stifling a sob. "Rick...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." Tears fell from her eyes and ran down her cheeks.

Rick stood and reached out for her but she just kept shaking her head, mumbling "I'm sorry..." He held her as she sobbed. "Rick…what you and I had…its been over a long time."

He stiffened and pulled back from her in disbelief. "What??!?"

Lori got a look of panic on her face and knew then she'd said too much, more than Shane had said to Rick.

But the bell was struck, and Rick's face crumpled at the realization that "it" wasn't over. What Shane and Lori'd had, they still had. Slowly he steeled himself again, pushing down the pain and betrayal. Slowly and delibirately- "Lori...what **exactly** do you mean?"

She sighed heavily and sat down, numb, unsure what to say or do. "Rick...even before all this," she motioned around her wildly, "we were broken." Red-eyed, she looked up at him pitifully. "You didn't love me even then. Wanted....well, I don't know what the hell you wanted but I wasn't it. I couldn't do...couldn't _be_ what you wanted. Who you wanted."

Rick knelt down, frantic. "No, no, no, NO! Lori! Listen to me! I know I've made mistakes but I did always love you, love Carl, more than anything!"

"I know you'd do anything for Carl. Loved him more than your own life." A sad smile. "But not me. I wasn't the one you wanted. You wanted..." The unfinished sentence hung there between them. Rick was desperately shaking his head no in warning, but she finished it anyway. "Shane."

Rick leapt up and ran his hands through his hair, pacing like a cornered animal in the small space. "It's not true Lori!" But his words rang hollow even to him. She knew him too well, better than he'd guessed. Suddenly the tent felt much, much too small and he was stifled, gasping for air, hurtling out of the tent and running towards the safety of the woods. Away from secrets and whispers, friends and lovers and strangers, running towards the rapidly darkening forest full of cold, dead eyes and empty, thoughtless hearts.

\----

Daryl had watched him go, seen him bolt out of the camp and straight into the woods. Alone. For a moment he weighed whether to follow. It wasn't safe out there with it getting dark, and he wasn't sure Rick was thinking straight. No, he wasn't gonna let Rick get ambushed out there. He picked up his crossbow and stalked off after him, following the trail of broken leaves and pushed aside branches till he came to a clearing.

And there was Rick, leaning into a tree, his body heaving slightly with sobs. An angry, animalistic yell burst from Rick's throat, wrenched out like it might have strangled him otherwise. Rick looked up and caught Daryl's wide eyes, and Rick froze.

Daryl stood still for a moment then took a step towards him, slowly, so slowly. He spoke softly. "Rick...you ok?"

Rick wiped his eyes with the back of his hands and turned back to the tree, punching it hard and bloodying his fist. "No. I'm pretty fuckin' far from ok."

Daryl took another quick step and intercepted Rick's fist, catching it in mid air as Rick tried to punch the tree again. He whispered, "Don't. That ain't him, Rick." 

Rick shoved him off and fell to his knees, letting his head fall into his hands. "You knew." He looked up at Daryl, a searching look on his face. "Why....why didn't you tell me?" Heartbreak all over Rick's face.

Daryl looked back towards the camp with a sigh. Dammit. "Threatened me. Told me to stay the hell away from you." He knelt down by Rick. "And....weren't sure if you wanted to know..."

Rick laughed bitterly into the night, his eyes wide and wild. "Yeah...I suppose that's fair."

Daryl rubbed his hair nervously. "I...wanted to tell you." He stared down at the forest floor. Quieter, shyly, "Want you to trust me." 

"How can I trust anyone now?" 

Daryl had no answer. 

Rick got up, steel and ice flooding into the raw places in his heart. And the rationalizations started. After everything they'd been through, he still couldn't believe Shane would do it. Maybe Lori was wrong. Confused. Maybe she had feelings that Shane didn't share. Maybe they'd had a fling when Shane though he was dead and...it was about grieving, like Shane had said at the windmill. He remembered Shane's touch then and...no, he wasn't imagining this! Lori had to be wrong!

"Rick?" 

Rick had gotten a far-off look on his face and was now walking, trancelike, back to the camp, leaving Daryl alone again in the clearing. Daryl called out to him again, but only the wind answered him.

\------

Rick hesitated at the edge of the woods. He looked over to his tent. No, he couldn't go back there now. Maybe, not ever. Instead he skirted the woods and emerged closer to the shed. That's right- Shane was meeting him here tonight and he'd get this whole mess sorted out. 

He absentmindedly touched his lips, remembering Shane touching him there, teasing him maybe. Couldn't be sure, not of anything now. 

At the shed, Rick saw the outline of a dark figure leaning up against it. As he got closer, the figure smiled and the bright white of Shane's teeth nearly illuminated the night. Shane pushed up and off the shed in a smooth motion and reached out to touch Rick's shoulder, making the other man shudder slightly. "Ya came."

Rick looked over his shoulder. He had the odd feeling they were being watched, but there was no one there. He and Shane were finally alone. He whispered harshly, still in a near panic. "Shane….I got to talk to you….got to know…."

Shane smirked and cooly cut Rick off there. "Later..later buddy. Right now you and I got a date with our little problem in 'ere." Share jerked his chin in the direction of the shed and then proceeded to fiddle with the padlock on the door. He turned the key in the lock and pushed the chain aside. 

"Wait, Shane….I…."

Shane held a finger to Rick's lips like "shhhhhhh," making the words fall from Rick's mouth soundlessly. Then he flicked open a zippo lighter and the flame caught, bathing Shane's rugged face in warm light. He used it to light the lantern he was holding and then slipped inside the shed, pulling Rick along with him and shutting the door behind. 

As the two of them entered, Rick heard a small yelp of surprise from the man that was tied up to a chair in there. "Hey!….hey!….you two stay away from me! I already told you I ain't done nothin' and don't know nothin'!" The scrawny man tried to wiggle in his restraints but he was held fast. He was probably early twenties Rick guessed, more scared than hurt, and in a whole mess of trouble. This stupid kid was tearing their camp apart- tearing Rick and Shane apart. 

Shane strode over to the man, a mocking grin on his face. "Y'hear that Rick? Mr. Badass here says he don't know nothin' and ain't done nothin'." Shane turned back to the man, and the grin fell away, a hard stare in its place. Rick knew that stare. It was the one he'd always seen Shane give perps…when he wanted something from them. "So……..I guess that shootin' at people's nothin' to you huh?" Shane set the lantern down and paced a bit, his voice getting louder. "Ambushin' people and tryin' to kill them, that's nothin'?"

The man shook his head nervously, looking from Shane to Rick and back to Shane. "I…..I…..didn't do that…..that was…..those guys I was with….."

Shane stopped pacing and whipped around to face their captive. He slowly brought out a large hunting knife that he'd stashed in the back of his pants, letting the lantern light catch on its blade. The temperature in the cabin dropped about 20 degrees. 

Rick snapped back to reality- he couldn't let Shane kill this kid right here! He caught Shane's arm. "Shane….stop, wait! You said we were gonna  _talk_ to the kid!"

Shane shrugged off Rick's grasp and grabbed the man, but only cut his restraints, throwing him to the ground from the chair. The man tried to scramble away from Shane and barreled into Rick in front of the door. Rick grabbed his arm and pinned him on the ground, adrenaline rising in his chest. "Don't move!"

"Fuck you!" The kid struggled wildly trying to get away, but a swift kick from Shane made him double over instead. The kid looked up at Shane with hatred and fear, spitting out a mouthful of blood. "There's more of us than there is of you. A LOT more!"

Rick froze but pinned the man harder. "How many?" He had to know if they were in danger…were those people going to come looking for them? "WHERE?" He shook the man, but he didn't answer. 

Shane squatted down, holding the knife close to the man's face but speaking emphatically to Rick. "Y'see Rick? Now do you see??" He searched for Rick's eyes and caught them. "No way we can leave this one alive. No. Way." 

Rick felt anger and terror blackening his heart but still, he wasn't willing to take a life so easily. He wasn't like Shane, he couldn't do the things Shane could do and never look back. "Shane….no….." The kid bucked again and Rick had to lean down hard to keep him still. Suddenly Lori's face was in front of him again and it was all he could do not to drop everything and run out of that shed. But something kept him there….he needed to know something. Even more than he needed to know if this kid's buddies were coming for all of them on the farm. He had to know about Shane and Lori. Right now.

Rick glared up at Shane. "Shane. Tell me that you and Lori are through. Tell me."

Shane froze, then stood up slowly with the knife. He couldn't meet Rick's eyes. "You spoke with her."

"Yeah."

Shane turned away a moment and then it was like a dam burst. He flew at the kid on the ground in a rage, punching him in the face again and again until Rick pulled him off. "SHANE!" He grabbed Shane's shoulders and shook him, but Shane was trying to get back to the kid. Like he wanted to take out all his anger at this fucked up world on that guy's face. 

The kid was out cold.

"SHANE!"

Finally Shane snapped back to focus on Rick, his chest heaving, heart pounding. He looked at Rick for a moment. "Rick….I……I'm sorry…."

"She said it ain't over." Rick made Shane look at him. He yelled, "Shane, is that true?!"

Shane was silent a while. "I don't know." Those words hit Rick like a punch to the face. But Shane went on, softer. "Rick…the problem is….I don't know who...I want."

That caught Rick off guard. He'd expected Shane to say yes, or no, but not that. Did that mean that…..was Shane saying…? "I don't understand…."

Shane took a step closer to Rick and reached out and traced Rick's collarbone beneath his shirt. "You don't?" Shane snaked his hand behind Rick's neck and into his hair. "Rick, we're the same." He pulled Rick into him so their lips were barely apart from one another. "That's our doom."

Rick stared down at Shane's lips and the wet tongue just beyond them, amazed that here he was, pressed up against this man he'd wanted- yes, wanted!- for so long and having no clue what to do now. All he could do is repeat what Shane said, "Doom?"

Just then the kid on the ground stirred and woke up. Realizing he wasn't tied up anymore he tried to make a break for the door before Rick and Shane grabbed him again and pinned him between them. He howled and screamed, cursing them while flailing wildly.

But they weren't paying attention to him anymore. Their eyes were locked above him despite holding him still. They were lost in what was playing out between them now, and he was just the backdrop.

Shane roughly flipped the kid over and leaned hard on his neck. He glanced back at Rick, giving him a smoldering stare. "Take 'em."

Rick's heart began to pound and he was nearly panting. What was Shane saying?! That he wanted to see Rick…rape..this kid? _He wanted to see Rick do that?_ But before Rick's brain had even processed Shane's words, he was already grabbing the kid's hips and yanking his pants off. Something dark had clicked in Rick, the machinery was in motion and Shane was there, goading him on, giving him this and making him take it in the same breath.

And as he slammed into the man on the ground, being held down by Shane, the anger he felt towards Lori washed away. The fear he felt in this world became dimmer and dimmer until it was barely there. His hunger and desperation faded to nothing. Until all that was left in the entire world were Shane's two eyes, watching to the very end.

 


	5. The Hard Thing

When it was all over, and Rick was slouched over their prisoner, panting, the reality of what had just happened finally started to sink in. Rick backed away from the kid, scrambling backwards towards the other side of the shed. Trying to get as far from…it…what he'd done….as he could. Shane wasn't holding the kid down anymore, and the kid wasn't struggling. He'd just given up and was now just lying still in a heap. 

Rick started shaking violently, and looked up to meet Shane's eyes. "Shane…..what have we done….."

Shane just cooly looked back. "In this world, Rick, you take." He walked over to the chair and picked up the restraints. Then hauled the kid back to the chair and tied him up again. The prisoner was in some kind of daze, not looking at either of them. Like he wasn't even there. Shane crouched down beside Rick, brushing a few stray pieces of hair from his face. "Rick. Look at me." Rick looked up, the horror plain on his face. "Nothing happened here, you hear me? Nothing."

"I….no….this is so wrong….so very wrong….." Rick looked down at his trembling hands. "I never meant to….didn't want to…."

"Its ok Rick. No one has to know. Lori doesn't have to know….."

Rick's eyes shot up to Shane's at the mention of her name. "Lori?"

Shane stood and offered his hand to Rick. After a moment, Rick took it and hauled himself up shakily. Shane caught his shoulders and whispered. "You understand now, don't you? We got to kill him."

Rick felt torn in two. With the kid dead, his shame could die as well. But that would be….murder….and for a terrible reason. Keeping the camp safe was one thing, but doing it to….bury _this_ …"No. I…we…can't." Rick steeled himself, knowing now that he couldn't kill the kid, even if it meant everyone would find out…that he, Rick, was a monster. "I have to get out of here."

As Rick walked out the door, Shane tried to grab his shoulder, "Rick, wait a sec…."

But Rick just kept on walking, faster, breaking into a run towards the camp. Towards the only place he could think to go. To Daryl.

\--------

Daryl's tent, away from the rest of the camp, was illuminated from the inside when Rick got close. Rick crouched near the door to the tent and whispered, "Daryl…..you asleep?" He heard a bit of rustling inside and Daryl emerged looking a bit unsettled. 

"Rick? You ok?"

Rick paced a bit, not sure what to say now that he was here. Just sure that he was pretty fucking far from ok. "I…no…..I'm not ok." Daryl motioned towards his tent and they both ducked inside, Rick scanning the farm first for any signs of Shane. Nothing.

Daryl saw that Rick looked like he'd seen a ghost. Was it Lori again? "Rick, what's wrong….."

"Its Shane. Something…..happened. He's gonna kill that kid if we don't do something….we have to stop him."

Daryl paused a moment. A lot was going on under the surface here. "Rick, Shane is out of control. He's more a danger to the camp than any outsider." 

Rick sighed. "I know."

"Then you know this ain't likely to end well."

Rick cradled his head in his hands. Softly, "I know."

"He's playing you Rick. I didn't say nothing before and I regretted it. I saw him in the woods with Lori a few nights back. It….wasn't good."

Rick looked up, his heart in his eyes. For who, Daryl didn't know.

Daryl went on. "Shane knows…thinks…he has some kinda power over you. He's tryin' to use that to take Lori from you….take the group from you…." Daryl looked away. "I know this ain't what you wanna hear…"

Rick wouldn't have believed Daryl before tonight. Wouldn't have ever thought Shane was anything more that his friend. But now, he didn't know anything anymore. "I don't know what to believe."

Suddenly they were both jolted as they heard T-Dog and Dale calling frantically for both of them outside. They locked eyes and bolted out of the tent, Daryl grabbing his bow as they started running towards the main camp. Everyone was standing in the center of camp, grabbing weapons and loading bullets. Rick looked around in confusion, "What's going on?"

And then his eyes caught Shane's. Something had happened to Shane in the time since Rick had left. There was a large gash on his head, still trickling blood down his face, and his nose looked broken. Everyone looked at Shane to answer Rick.

"The kid in the shed….he got out Rick…." Shane looked worried but Rick couldn't tell if this was an act or real fear. "He fuckin' bashed me, knocked me cold and ran into the woods."

Was that possible? When Rick had ran out of the shed he saw that Shane had tied the prisoner back up. Or maybe Rick just thought he saw that? He hadn't been thinking straight at the time.  Rick grabbed his gun and checked that it was loaded. Whatever happened, now was the time to act. To be the leader this group needed. "Where'd he go?"  Shane motioned south of the farm.

Rick turned to the group. "Dale, Andrea, stay here in case he backtracks. Daryl, T-Dog, Glenn, Shane- gear up and follow me." Everyone nodded and set about grabbing their gear. 

Glenn grabbed two flashlights and tossed one to Rick. "Are we supposed to catch him or….." 

Shane lit up with anger. "Little shit tried to kill me! He's a danger to us." He wheeled to face Rick. "Even you can't say he's not now."

Rick held Shane's stare then turned to Glenn. "Kill only if you have to." Glenn nodded. Shane seethed.

Rick motioned to the posse and they stepped into the woods south of the camp. "Daryl, take T-Dog and Glen and head southeast. Shane and I'll go southwest. We'll head back here in two hours to regroup and decide what's next." Daryl gave a short nod and led his group deeper into the woods.

He turned back to Shane. "Alright, let's go."

\-----

The further that Shane led Rick away from the camp, the more uneasy he felt. Still confused, panicked, from the night's previous events, Rick's head was swimming. He was unsure if Shane was telling the truth or not. And if he wasn't, what was Shane's goal here? Did he already kill the kid? Is he trying to make it impossible for Rick to refuse? Or…did he just want to get Rick alone, away from the group, the farm for some purpose? 

Nothing made sense. But Shane kept walking on, kept leading him further and further away until they were a couple miles from the farm. As Rick emerged from the forest into a large field, he felt Shane's eyes boring into him. He kept his gun up, even if he hand was shaking slightly. 

An unmistakeable click behind him brought him back to the moment. Rick turned around and saw that Shane had stopped walking a few paces back. And was holding up his gun, trained right on Rick.

"Shane?" 

Shane took a couple steps forward, slowly shaking his head. He wasn't smiling. He had an odd expression on his face- something like pity. "I never meant for it to come to this, Rick." He pointed to Rick's gun. "Drop it." 

Rick was so stunned it took him a moment to respond and drop his gun. But when he did, his voice was low, dangerous. "What in the hell are you doing Shane?" All confusion about their mission evaporated in an instant when he saw Shane's gun. The kid was dead. Shane killed him. They weren't out here for him. 

Shane paced a bit back and forth, waving the gun. "Rick, why couldn't you just listen to me?" He ran his hand across his shaved head. "You're weak Rick. I know it, the group knows it."

"What- because I didn't want to murder someone?" Rick tried to step forward but Shane aimed the gun back at his chest, and he froze in place. 

"Its more than that Rick." A sad, cynical smile. "Some people ain't meant for this world. Not _this_ world. Everyone is going to die if you keep leadin' this group."

Rick's jaw hardened. "So what now- you gonna shoot me Shane?" He took a step forward. "You gonna murder me? Your best friend?"

Rick could see the anger rise in Shane. Where it was just under the surface before, now it boiled over. "You think I want this?!" He waved the gun again. "I have no choice! YOU gave me no choice!"

"This ain't about me, is it?" Silence. "This is about Lori, ain't it?" Shane still didn't reply. "AIN'T IT?!"

Shane's gun wavered a bit. "Lori and Carl need protection Rick. And they need a man who's willing to do what needs to be done. The hard things."

Rick sneered, the truth now laid plain. "That what you want Shane? To screw my wife and have my son call you Daddy?!" He was screaming at Shane. The betrayal rose with the bile in Rick's throat as the full scope of Shane's deception became clear. Shane never cared for him, not even as a friend. A friend would never manipulate him this way, set him up…murder him. All the golden times from life before, the memories that had sustained Rick in this new reality, gone in an instant. Lori had lied. Shane had lied. He would have died for either of them before….this. He would have moved mountains, razed heaven and earth for them. The most important people in his life other than Carl. Was Shane right? Was he going to get his family killed? Doubt crowded in with the shock and hurt.

"Lori and Carl will get over you Rick. They did it once." Shane stepped towards Rick, his voice lowering. "I'm a better father than you." 

Rick flinched as if Shane had punched him. But Shane didn't stop talking. The pain kept flowing from his mouth. "I'm a better man than you."

Those words broke Rick. Whatever doubt he'd had was gone. Whatever fear or hesitation he'd had was gone. Left in its place was rage, white hot and burning from within. His entire mind and body now focusing to a narrow point- kill. 

Kill Shane.

Kill your best friend.

Rick broke into a sprint and hurled himself into Shane, knocking the man back and taking him by surprise. And before he even knew what he was doing, he was plunging his hunting knife into Shane…again and again, until Shane fell to the ground sputtering blood and gasping. Rick leaned over Shane, and remembered the fire. Saving Shane's life. Dragging him from that burning building and to hell with the consequences or safety. He remembered how little his own life meant to him then. Saving Shane was all that mattered. 

Rick sobbed and grasped at Shane's body, his lifeblood and life rapidly sliding away into the hard ground of the field. "This is not on me!" Rick screamed it more to himself than to Shane. Rick's sight was blurred with tears but he held Shane's gaze until the light went from them, leaving cold darkness in its stead. Rick screamed, a primal scream wrenched up from his guts. 

A small noise behind him. A footstep. Rick leapt up, covered in Shane's blood, and looked around. 

"Dad?"

Rick's heart fell. No! Carl could not see this! He couldn't let Carl see what he'd done….what his father had done. "Carl!" He started to take a few steps towards his son. "Don't come over here."

"What's going on Dad? I…." The horror on Carl's face manifested as a blood-covered Rick drew near. Rick approached him slowly, like a skittish animal who might bolt at any second. But Rick stopped when Carl raised his gun. 

"Carl…its ok…I…." Rick's whole body shuddered at the sound of the gunshot. Carl had pulled the trigger but the bullet had flown past him to hit something behind him. Rick whirled around. It had been Shane….but….hadn't he just seen Shane die? Carl was visibly shaken and launched himself into Rick's red arms. "Carl, are you ok?"

Carl nodded shakily. "He was going to kill you?"

Rick's heart broke that he even had to have this conversation with his son. He just hugged him tight and nodded. "I'm so sorry Carl. So sorry you had to see that. So sorry for everything." And as he finally pulled back to look at Carl, expecting to see anger or indictment, he saw only understanding. Relief. Love. This was the person he had to protect. This was the person he would do anything for, kill for. Shane might have been right. About having to be willing to do the hard thing to protect the ones you love. But Shane had ultimately lost. Rick was here, alive, and Shane, who he'd loved and trusted, was dead by his hands.

Never could anyone say again that he wasn't willing to do the hard thing. 

Never.

\---------

Rick and Carl made their way back to camp without many words. There was a silent understanding between them, an unquestioning trust that Rick felt. And when they stepped back into the firelight and Rick made it clear that Shane wasn't coming back, the group accepted it. Daryl's group had already returned and had found the kid dead of a broken neck- Shane's work obviously. The only one genuinely upset was Lori, who looked at Rick with horrified accusing eyes and retreated to the tent, sobbing. Not many questions were asked. Not many needed to be.

Carl headed inside their tent to try to console Lori, but Rick just sat in front of the fire, staring into it and wondering why he didn't feel bad anymore. He didn't feel much of anything really, except a new sense of purpose to protect Carl no matter what. To be the leader that this group needed. To finally accept that the old world really was as dead as Shane and Sophia, and this was all there was.

Eventually everyone headed to sleep. Except Daryl. He went over and sat by Rick by the fire, pretending to whittle an arrow. Daryl could feel Rick's conflict and sorrow but he wasn't sorry Shane was dead. 

Rick finally spoke to him softly. "Daryl, you were right. About Shane. About everything."

Daryl kept staring into the fire but nodded slightly. "If there was one thing I didn't wanna be right about, Rick……it was this."

"I need you now more than ever Daryl." The logs crackled in the fire. "Can I count on you?" 

Daryl paused his carving. This. This was all he had hoped for. Rick needing him. Accepting him. Shane was gone and he was here. He raised his eyes to Rick' and they looked a each other a few long, meaningful moments. 

His answer was simple.

"Yes. Always."


End file.
